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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28969872">Bioluminescence is Just Lazy Lasers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze'>TheseusInTheMaze</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Banter, Clothed Sex, Enemy Provides Grudging Comfort to Hurt Character To Their Mutual Confusion, F/F, Finger Sucking, Hurt/Comfort - Character hides their illness until they faint and everyone panics, Major Character Injury, Vaginal Fingering</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:33:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,337</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28969872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Missy and Bill, in a spot of bother.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Missy/Bill Potts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bulletproof 20/21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Bioluminescence is Just Lazy Lasers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prinzenhasserin/gifts">Prinzenhasserin</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was an absolute delight to write, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Y'know, this would go a lot faster if you'd stop <i>wriggling</i>," Missy said crossly. "It was only a wee laser bear trap." </p><p>"Does that mean it's a trap for laser bears?" Bill was aware that she was asking a stupid question, but at least it was a decent distraction from the desperate, burning pain in her calf. </p><p>"Wouldn't ever get laser bears this time of year," Missy said. She prodded one of the gouges, and Bill bit into her fist to keep from howling. </p><p>"We aren't even on Earth. Are bears a thing on other planets? One of those… oh <i>fuck</i>. Those… convergent evolution things. Concurrent evolution?"</p><p>"That's a very big word for a time like this," Missy said dryly. She had taken out a very small pair of scissors, and was very carefully cutting away at the leg of Bill's trousers. </p><p>"And that's a condescending tone of voice," Bill countered.</p><p>"You humans take offense to so many things," Missy said, still dismissive. “Oh no, you broke my arm,” Missy said, and her voice took on that specific cadence that always came around while making fun of someone. “Oh no, you flooded my whole town. Oh no, you ruined my birthday party….” Missy made a disgusted noise, and then she prodded Bill’s sore leg. “Really, you lot are all too <i>delicate</i>. Is it my fault that you walked into that bear trap?”</p><p>	“It kind of is, yeah,” Bill said. “You said the whole area was safe, and not to worry about anything.”</p><p>	“Well,” said Missy, “a laser bear trap is hardly <i>anything</i>, is it? You need to be more specific.” She took something strong smelling out of her pocket (how did she have so many pockets?) and opened it up. </p><p>		"What," said Bill. "That's the dumbest argument I've ever heard."</p><p>	"It's not an argument," Missy said. "Just an explanation. Surely your tiny human mind can understand that much, right?" A pause, then. "No screaming, please."</p><p>	"What d'you mean - <i>fuck</i>!" Bill, to her credit, did not scream. The strangled, awkward noise that tried to force its way out of her throat was definitely something <i>like</i> a scream, but it was cut off pretty fast by her own hand. </p><p>	"I <i>said</i> not to scream," Missy groused. "Why does the Doctor even keep you lot around, when you don't listen to anything?" More foul, stinging liquid being rubbed onto the wounds on Bill's leg, and Bill was still biting her lip to keep from shouting any more. </p><p>	"You could have said something a little more helpful," said Bill. "Y'know, maybe, <i>this might hurt a little bit</i>, or <i>be prepared, it'll sting</i>, something like that." She groaned, squirming about on the ground, and Missy prodded the wound on her leg. "Ow!" </p><p>	"Stop complaining," Missy said absently. There was a distant roar, and then the sound of an explosion. "Ah," said Missy. "So. That is probably the laser bear."</p><p>	"Why would it be a laser bear? What is even the <i>point</i> of a laser bear?!" Bill hissed as she was brought to her feet, leaning heavily on Missy. "Like. Why would someone put a laser on a bear?!"</p><p>	"Well, how d'you know a bear didn't just evolve a laser?" Missy had an arm around Bill's waist, and was half guiding, half carrying her towards the cover of the trees. </p><p>	"Nothing can evolve a laser," Bill said. She hissed through her teeth at the pain that shot up her leg, and her leg nearly buckled with each step she took. "That's not a natural thing."</p><p>	"If things can evolve bioluminescence they can evolve lasers. Bioluminescence is just lasers being lazy. Can you walk any faster?" She was holding on tightly to Bill's waist, and Bill clutched at her coat. </p><p>	"I refuse to believe in there being laser bears," Bill said. The trees seemed awfully far away, and Missy was walking entirely too fast. Bill was trying very hard not to trip, but every step sent another shockwave of pain through her. <i>I wonder how she'd feel about me throwing up on her shoes</i>, Bill thought. She was staring at Missy's shoes, the leather very dark against the crushed green of the grass, churning in the mud.</p><p>	Those were nice shoes. It'd be a pity to throw up on them.</p><p>	"Didn't you people refuse to believe the world was round?" Missy was walking a little faster, and Bill was stumbling to keep up. "Do hurry up, they're getting closer."</p><p>	"In case you didn't notice," Bill said through gritted teeth, "my leg is out of commission. And that wasn't actually a real thing." </p><p>	"Hardly out of commission," Missy said. "Look, it's still there, isn't it!" More fast walking, and Bill's knuckles were beginning to ache from her tight grip on Missy's coat. </p><p>	"That's not what out of commission means!" Bill gasped.</p><p>	"Must you argue with me every step of the way?" Missy stopped, and Bill leaned heavily against her, chest heaving, sweat dripping down her face, her back, the backs of her knees. </p><p>	"Yes," said Bill. "When I'm arguing with you I'm not thinking about how much I wanna puke. Or pass out. Or possibly one after the other. Or both, both is most definitely an option as well." </p><p>	"Honestly," Missy said, exasperated, and then she was dragging Bill, half carrying her in a near run. They were under the cover of the trees now, and the roaring seemed to be further away.</p><p>	<i>She smells like smoke and like some kind of fancy talcum powder,</i> Bill thought. <i>Does she get it from some special shop in the eighteen hundreds, I wonder. Is that when people used fancy talcum powder? That doesn't seem like something people would use now. Or at least, in my now. </i></p><p>	"You went quiet," said Missy. "That worries me. Keep arguing with me."</p><p>	"Why are you worried about me?" Bill asked. Her voice was getting more choked. She was leaning almost entirely on the tree now, bad leg elevated, then dropped because she couldn't keep up the energy. </p><p>	"That is an excellent question," Missy said. "The Doctor will be <i>so</i> cranky if I kill one of the precious pets."</p><p>	"I'm not a pet," Bill said.</p><p>	"Oh, well done, keeping up the argument," said Missy. "Top form." </p><p>	"You're really aggravating, y'know that?" Bill's tongue was very thick in her mouth, and very dry. The deep, pulsing pain in her leg was getting deeper, thicker. It was like a piece of barbed wire pulling tighter and tighter, like a snake squeezing its prey. </p><p>	“I would say the same to you,” said Missy. “I perfume the air with witty repartee and clever insight.” Another roar nearby, then an explosion. “Judging by the proximity of those sounds, they’re getting closer.”</p><p>	“<i>What</i> are getting closer?” Bill clutched at the bark of the tree, as the navy blue sky began to spin, the trees getting darker. “You never actually said what was chasing us.’</p><p>	“Yes I did, you silly sausage. You just weren’t paying attention.” Missy clicked her tongue. “Laser bears.”</p><p>	“There’s no such thing as laser bears,” Bill said, her tone definite, and then the trees seemed to be getting darker, blending in with each other. She didn’t realize exactly what was going on until the darkness rushed towards her face, and then she was falling. <i>I’m passing out</i>, she thought, with some surprise, and then she was out. </p><p>-*-</p><p>Bill woke up in a dimly lit room. She was… vaguely comfortable, lying flat on a soft surface. She was warm, dry, and her head hurt. </p><p>She was also aroused. </p><p>		<i>Why</i> was she so aroused was the next question? If she had been in her own bed and maybe not injured and... a whole bunch of other things, maybe there would have been a surreptitious glide of her hand down her trousers (was she wearing trousers, actually?) but this... was not the time.</p><p>	Okay, so she maybe had a bit of a Thing for being in danger. Being afraid. After the business with Heather, and then what had happened on Mars, and... all the other time she'd been in peril... well. </p><p>	Something about possibly dying always set her hormones ablaze. It just usually wasn't at such an... inconvenient time. It wasn't even the first time she'd been this worked up during the aftermath of a life or death situation. Except this <i>wasn't</i> the aftermath, was it? </p><p>	If only her traitorous body had gotten the message.</p><p>	"Phaw," said a familiar voice, and Bill's head jerked up. "What's gotten you so worked up?"</p><p>	"Where are we?" Bill sat herself up slowly, and more pain shot up her leg. "What happened to the thing that was chasing us?"</p><p>	"You are absolutely <i>reeking</i> of pheromones," Missy informed Bill. She'd taken off her jacket, and the sleeves of her white shirt were rolled up. Her hands had long, narrow fingers, and Bill really had to stop staring at them. It wasn't helping her current problem. </p><p>	"Where are we," Bill repeated.</p><p>	"I heard you the first time," Missy said dismissively, and she sat down on the bed beside Bill. "We're on the planet. Met some friendly locals. Might've killed them." She must have caught Bill's face - still hadn't mastered the art of the poker face - because she rolled her eyes. "I didn't. Geez, you're boring, y'know that?" </p><p>	"You shouldn't kill people," Bill said weakly. She'd been dreaming, it felt like. Maybe? Her head was throbbing painfully, and her clit was throbbing just as hard. </p><p>	"Yes, yes, I know, I've heard it before. The Doctor bangs on about it often enough." Missy crossed her arms. "We got a bedroom because you were looking all pitiful and injured, and because I sorted out their laser bear issue."</p><p>	"There aren't any laser bears," Bill protested. "Are there?" She added, at Missy's blank look. "No way are there laser bears."</p><p>	"I'm not going to tell you, since you keep arguing with me," said Missy, her tone prim. Then; "d'you need some help with that?"</p><p>	"I refuse to believe in laser bears. It's like in that Avatar film, the one with the blue cat people. There were those things called horses that weren't actually horses." Bill pressed her thighs together, her toes curling. "What am I wearing?"</p><p>	"Borrowed some clothes, since your other ones were such a mess," said Missy. "Nice knickers, by the way. Polka dots suit you."</p><p>	"I cannot believe that you're complimenting me on my underwear," said Bill, and she flopped back onto the pillows. It sent pain right up her back, and that didn't seem to be enough to dim her ardor. </p><p>	"Just because I'm a big nasty baddy doesn't mean I can't compliment something when it's done right," Missy scolded. "And you didn't answer my question." </p><p>	"Which question?" Bill glanced down at herself. She was wearing what looked like a voluminous white nightshirt, the sort of thing she'd seen Ebenezer Scrooge wear in countless versions of <i>A Christmas Carol</i>. </p><p>	"If you'd like some help," Missy said. </p><p>	"You've already helped me," said Bill. "Not much you can do for me, other than maybe get me a glass of water?" </p><p>	Missy made eye contact, and she raised an eyebrow. "Judging by your sweaty face and the sheer amount of pheromones in the air, what you need more than anything else is a good shag," she said, and she said it so <i>matter of factly</i> that Bill flushed and stared at her hands on the counterpane. "I'd be willing to help."</p><p>	"Why are you being so nice to me?" Bill's voice cracked in a way that would have been embarrassing, if the whole rest of the conversation wasn't <i>equally</i> embarrassing. </p><p>	"Well, y'know," said Missy, and she waved a hand. "I'm doin' my best to be a good person, and it takes all kinds of good deeds, doesn't it?"</p><p>	"Where's the Doctor?" <i>Why am I not telling her off?</i> Missy's fingers were drumming on her own leg, and she was wearing a thoughtful expression. </p><p>	"Off at the negotiations," said Missy. "It'll be a while yet. I'm responsible for getting you back to the TARDIS, but it'll be some time yet." </p><p>	"And so you're offering me a shag," Bill said. Her eyes were on Missy's fingers again - they were all painted a bright crimson, but they were also surprisingly blunt. <i>Can't do much murdering, if your nails are too long or something</i>, suggested some delirious part of her mind from off to the side. </p><p>	"Well, I was being a bit generous," Missy admitted. "It'd mostly be me doing you so that you could go back to sleep. Maybe open a window too, air the place out a bit."</p><p>	"So are you doing this out of the goodness of your heart? Or some hidden..." Bill trailed off, as Missy looked at her, one eyebrow raised.</p><p>	"D'you need me to buy you dinner first? Give you a promise ring? I forget how prudish humans are, from your time. Which time is that, again?" </p><p>	"You've suggested tossing me in a volcano," Bill pointed out. "I can't imagine going from wanting to kill someone to offering to get them off." <i>Why am I even considering this?</i> The more rational part of her mind was screaming at her, but her leg was throbbing. "Actually, hang on, why can't I do this myself?"</p><p>	"You're too worn out," said Missy. "And besides, it's the charitable thing to do, isn't it?" She smiled, and there were too many teeth in that smile. </p><p>	So why was Bill's clit throbbing harder? </p><p>	"You're making me nervous," Bill said. "Since when do you care about charity?" </p><p>	"I'm trying to be <i>nice</i>," Missy complained, and she threw her hands in the air. "I try to be nice, and this is the thanks I get! Nothing but suspicion!" </p><p>	"I..." Bill licked her lips, her eyes following the elegant line of Missy's profile, the way her blouse covered her up to the throat. And okay, so maybe she had a few fantasies involving the whole terrifying Victorian governess... thing, but who didn't, really? </p><p>	"Yes?" Missy had one perfectly manicured eyebrow up. </p><p>	Bill swallowed, her throat very dry. <i>This is really stupid.</i> "I'd be up for it," she said. "If you're... if you're offering."</p><p>	"I never offer anything I'm not willing to do," Missy said sharply. Then she softened. "Well, no, that's a lie, I'll usually just kill them first. But," she said, no doubt catching Bill's alarmed look, "I'm not going to kill <i>you</i>, so you don't have to worry about it." </p><p>	"Great," Bill said faintly. "So, uh.. how do you... want me to do this?"</p><p>	"Well," said Missy, and her accent seemed to thicken, as she pushed the covers off of Bill's lower half, "spread your legs for me, there's a good girl." </p><p>	<i>I should not be so turned on by that</i>, Bill thought, half annoyed as she did as instructed. Her eyes darted towards the closed door, then back up to Missy’s face. Her nipples were hard through the nightshirt, sweat gathering in her armpits.</p><p>	“There we go,” said Missy, and she pushed the hem of the nightshirt up around Bill’s waist. She squeezed one of Bill’s thighs, and Bill made an embarrassing noise. </p><p>	“What’s… how long is my recovery gonna take?” It felt awkward, to sit there in silence as Missy’s hand inched up her leg.</p><p>	“Shouldn’t be too long,” Missy said. Her fingers stroked the soaked front of Bill’s knickers, and Bill hissed through her teeth. “Do you have some kind of bear trap fetish or something?”</p><p>	“No,” Bill said, and she whimpered, her toes curling. It was hard not to wriggle, when Missy seemed to have found her clit without any effort at all. “No, I just… my body tends to… mmm…”</p><p>	“Humans,” Missy said, and Bill wasn’t sure if she sounded affectionate or dismissive, the tip of her index finger swirling over Bill’s clit. “You’re all just chemicals, guided by that same animal urge. I used to find it offputting, but there’s something endearing about it, once you get over the disgust.”</p><p>	“Gee, thanks,” Bill said flatly. Her eyes darted to her injured leg… and then she looked away quickly, because that… that wasn’t appealing. At all. </p><p>	“You’re an odd species,” Missy said, her tone reflective. She shifted, so that she was leaning over Bill at a different angle, and her cool fingers slid into Bill’s knickers, skating over Bill’s slicked down pubic hair. “Not the only ones that do sex for fun, obviously, but you very much approach it creatively.”</p><p>	Bill looked down her own body, over the bunched up fabric of the nightshirt. She could see the bulge of Missy’s knuckles in her polkadot knickers, and then there was the alien/familiar pressure of fingers being pushed into her, and she let her thighs part farther, her chest heaving as she breathed through it. She was whimpering, and she didn’t even realize she was making any noises until Missy’s fingers were in her mouth, pressing down on her tongue. </p><p>	“Don’t want to bother our lovely hosts, do we?” Missy wiggled the fingers in Bill’s mouth and the fingers in Bill’s cunt, and Bill whimpered again, but much quieter this time. “They’ll be worried about you. After I’m done with you, I’m going to go reinforce their fence. Imagine, me, helping reinforce a fence!” She curled the finger in BIll’s cunt, pressing down on some sweet internal spot, and her thumb kept moving over Bill’s clit. “I used to be what fences were reinforced against!”</p><p>	<i>Is now really the best time to be having some kind of emotional revelation</i>, Bill didn’t say, because every time she tried to move her hips it sent more pain through her leg, but Missy’s fingers were spreading her wider, and Missy’s fingers shouldn’t have been this nice to suck. </p><p>	“I can feel you getting closer,” Missy said, and she was properly fucking Bill now, her wrist rolling just enough to make Bill’s eyes roll back in her head. It was a slow, easy rocking motion that nonetheless didn’t seem to <i>stop</i>, so it was always moving, always filling her and releasing her, and the thumb on her clit was pressing harder, circling carefully. “Be a good girl for me, and come.”</p><p>	Bill groaned around the fingers in her mouth, and she gasped as Missy did… something, and maybe Bill was still delirious with pain, or maybe the pleasure was just washing over her like a wave and obliterating all the higher brain functions, but Bill sobbed as she came, her gaze held by Missy’s bright blue eyes. Her cunt clenched and spasmed around Missy’s fingers, and then she was flopping back on the pillows, another jolt of pain that made her wince.</p><p>	“There we go,” Missy said, and she was using that same soothing tone of voice. She withdrew both sets of fingers, wiping them on the counterpane, and then she was adjusting Bill’s nightshirt. “Get some sleep.”</p><p>	“Thank you,” Bill said, awkward as anything, because what was she even supposed to say, after… that?</p><p>	“If the Doctor asks if I took care of you,” Missy said, “possibly omit that last bit.” She patted Bill’s cheek, and Bill could smell her own orgasm on the fingers on her face. </p><p>	“That’d be awkward,” Bill agreed, dazed. </p><p>	“I’ll be back later for you,” Missy said, making her way out the door. “Get some rest. As soon as we can get you on the TARDIS, we’ll have you fixed up good as new.”</p><p>	“Right,” Bill said, as the door was closed behind Missy. There was still the golden light, and if Bill was less tired and sore she’d have investigated where it was coming from. </p><p>	Her cunt was still twitching from the aftershocks, and there were distant sounds of… something. Maybe she was delirious enough to think it was the sound of a laser going off, but… no.</p><p>	<i>I’ll have to ask the Doctor about that whole laser bear thing</i> was the last thing that passed through Bill’s mind, and then she was asleep.</p>
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